Just a Tuesday

Ha, could have made $50 on a bet last night, but didn’t have the $50 to put up. sigh.  Shock, horror lol  Son2 stayed home last night 🙂  Probably got some well earned rest. Wonder if he will make it two nights in a row?  I know he won’t tomorrow night as he is working an evening shift, so expect a late night text.  That tomorrow, I will deal with that one then.

Today so far has been a not-too-bad day.  Sorta negative huh?  Okay rephrase, it’s been a GREAT day!! 🙂  Work for me, and will be again when I get home.  How do places get so messy when you aren’t home much?  Must be the other critters that live there.  I am all fired up to attack it when I get there.  Hope I don’t run out of steam in the next hour or so, otherwise it could still be there tomorrow.

We actually had about 5mm of rain this morning.  It is so dry we need metres of it to make a difference.  The grass crackles underfoot and the lack of colour is depressing. A bit stormy looking so you never know, maybe there will be more in it.  Looking at the weather radar, nothing much to report as looks like just cloudcover and no rain.  Gotta be the forever optimist though, each day it doesn’t rain is a day closer to rain.

Changing the subject:  Ever read a book called “Who moved my cheese” by Spencer Johnson?  Definately worth a read in this day and age.  Tis only a short one and is available on PDF to download and read.  Just Google and you’ll find it 🙂  It’s about preparing for change and related organizational skills, written 1998, but even more usefull in this day and age.

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Weekend? Most people love ’em

I am actually glad the weekend is over.  I know it’s a me problem again, but it is hard for anyone to imagine the self torture I go through.  Son2 has already hit the town before I get home.  Goodness knows where and what he will get up to.  I lay awake at night waiting for that phone text.  Mum, can you come and get me?  Paranoid huh?  Most times it dosen’t come and I wake from fitfull sleep only to drag myself around all day until I hear from him.

Last weekend was no different, Friday night well got the text at 7am.  Went to town and got him and he came home to bed. He woke about 8pm next thing off again, a friend came by and picked him up.  I don’t mind him going out, but all nighters is a worry as I have no idea where he will end up.  This is the point I know I have to let go.  It’s hard. Again no sleep all night but Sunday morning extremely happy to hear from him.  Went into town and picked him and three others up and dropped them home as well.  I wonder where their parent’s are?  Or am I the only idiot mother to do this?  I would rather see them home safe than, well the mind boggles with the consequences.

A couple of hours sleep and a shower and off again, swimming, BBQing and you guessed it.  He didn’t come home on Sunday night.  Worried sick I was. I text him and he replied he was OK so I went to work.  A few hours later another text, you can pick me up whenever your ready.  He was at a pub. sigh.  Of course I dropped what I was doing at work and collected him dropping him home.  He had work that night.

Yeah well that was last night he finished his shift at 9pm and I didn’t hear from him until I made contact.  Yeah I know I should just leave him, but he does not think.  He had another shift in the morning at 9am.  Well all worked out OK as he spend the night in town, not with exactly the right person, but he was OK.  I should be grateful for that at least.  Picked him up after his work and took him home.  I hope he stays home tonight and gets some sleep.

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My disappearing year…… cont

From my son’s total non-compliance regarding his medical issues to him actually getting ill again is frightening for me. He is an adult and I can’t live his life for him.  It is just a shame to see him do this to himself.  But his reckoning is that he is here for a short time, so he lives life for today.  Hates hospitals and the system.  Even though when he gets sick he comes to me for help.  That is the hard part, I just can’t ask doctors to see him again when he has repeatedly self discharged himself from their care against there will.  Not to mention the financial cost I have been accumulating due to this erratic behavior.  Nobody understands him as a package, I realize it is hard to comprehend, but I often put myself in his shoes and try to see life as he sees it.  Life as we know it is beyond him really.  He is a kid who never really got to be a kid, sick from 13 and totally frustrated with the world.  Close to death so many times, but defeated the odds, now is expected to conform to normality.  Normality ha! Who measures what is normal, or what????  Ok, here’s the sceniaro, now 19 years old, desperately wants to work. No experience, too old for unskilled labour.  Employers expect them to be at work every day, not asking for time off a few times a month to jump to various specialist demands of his presence in Brisbane, which is 600 klm away!  Money, he has very little, actually non-existent.  He now lives with a relative who has offered to put a roof over his head and feed him for some small help around the place and company for return.  He has no transport or license now due to his own short sightedness, plus huge fines to pay with his meager  funds.  Medical expenses as in scripts etc well he doesn’t bother as says a waste of money as he rarely takes them anyway due to their bad side affects.  See what I mean how it is frustrating.  I cannot make him see any sense.  Now saying that, to take the meds and be pushed, pulled and prodded by numerous specialists, is it really the answer?  In his mind, no.  He feels well, so goes with the flow and tries to live a normal life like others his own age.  Frustrating for him as they are starting to  have things due to fulltime work and earning big money.  But to give him credit, he is having a go.  Done some bad things in the past and he will pay his debt to society for that, maybe he will learn from the experience, but he doesn’t want to lay down and give up.  Each day he wakes and the sun is up is a bonus. In his eyes his disease will come back again, it has twice already but he knows it will kill him.  So in the meantime he lives life in the fast lane.  Now whether that is right or wrong, it is his choice.  I must let go and let him live his life.  I gave him the gift of life, ok he didn’t get the best stack of cards, but through no rhyme or reason this is his life’s lot.  It’s tough being a mother on the sideline, but just recently a friend opened my eyes to the fact that I should step back and let him be in control.  So I have.  I still often cry myself to sleep, but possibly more selfpity than for him, as he seems to be actually having some enjoying times.

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A whole year has disappeared!!

Sure been awhile since I have been here.  Life got complicated.  So much has happened in the meantime. But life goes on. Last Christmas was the happiest day for my family in quite a few years.  We had our elderly extended family member staying with us.  Oh, I moved back into the family home on Christmas eve bringing him with me.  Sort of trying to sort my own life out and leaving my son in the unit to live life as an adult.  We were all there for Christmas day and my sons put their sticks down (they constantly bicker) and we had a relaxing day.  Not quite all the trimming associated with Christmas dinner as other have, but we did splurge a little and had some prawns and beers. That day will remain in my memory forever.  Seeing excitement and hearing laughter, the simple things in life.

After that the new year just seemed to scream along, with one bad thing happening after another. My sons despression hit an all time low, I was tearing my hair out what to do.  He was threatening physical harm to himself and others plus demolishing the place.  I look back at it now and still think there was very little else I could do in the situation.  On advice from a welfare worker friend I called the police.  They came and took him to the hospital where he should have been assess mentally.  However he was released within an hour to walk the streets.  I questioned the doctor involved and he said he asked if he was going to hurt himself or anyone else and he answered “no”, so he had no reason to do any more.  I can see from the doctors point of view, I suppose, but they don’t know anything about him, no medical files were even retreived from records.  Of course my son is a master of telling the medical people what they want to hear.  Has had plenty of practise. Now having a son in a low depressive state on the loose, well sent my already elevated stress levels through the roof.  I looked everywhere and rang people to find him.  He was missing for over a week, then turned up at his place one night and was sound asleep in bed when his girlfriend came home from work.  She then rang me to let me know he was there.  He was dirty but seemingly in ok condition, so we left him sleep.  Still not sure to this day where he went or what he did, but I was just so relieved he was back.

Living life daily is draining. Sometimes I do wonder if it is all worth it.  My best friend, soul-mate and support who was staying with us became quite ill.  I never really contemplated, even though aging, 78 years old, could passaway on me until it was evident that it would happen.  That certainly ripped apart the world I had built for myself.  Finding being all alone trying to come to grips with everything that had made my world crash in. To me his death was sudden, but now I have had time to reflect, well, it wasn’t.  Just too blind to see. In my mind he would live forever and always be there for me.  I was so selfish to ever have thought that way.  But I did. Everyday I still pang for his company, his wisdom.  His auroa I suppose is the word I am looking for.  Crazy I know, but I still talk to him in my mind, asking advice knowing I won’t get an answer, but maybe, just maybe I will be guided in my decisions by taking the time to do ask.  Yeah, sometimes I think I am nuts.  Sanity is beginning to settle even if I use insane ideas to bring the sanity.  Talk about talking in circles. ~ more to come lol

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